there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
