Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
