Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
