he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
