I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
