Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
