Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
