Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
