def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
