i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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