you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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