I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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