Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
