I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
