He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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