My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
