And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
