he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
