I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
