1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
