I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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