Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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