Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
