There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
