i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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