she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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