seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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