As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
