I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
