If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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