How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
