took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
