I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
