Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
