I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
