I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
