Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
