first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
