An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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