Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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