Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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