can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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