no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
