definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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