dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
