u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
