how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
