By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
