After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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