the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
