Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
