Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
