Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
