Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
